My Insecurities Could Eat Me Alive

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I spoke about my relationship and the difficulties that we faced this year. If you missed that post, then you can pause this one here and go on and read it now - It's Just Like an Exam.

A little update

My partner and I are in a much stronger and happier place since I wrote that blog, and I can truly say I feel happier and more secure in our relationship. We have both been more open with our feelings, something I have never really struggled with, but for Dan, vulnerability is hard. We are both making a conscious effort to be more considerate and make plans together as well. Life is good, is what I am saying, and no relationship was ever made to be completely smooth sailing.

The Aftermath is the new challenge

I've got a lot of mental scars on me from previous relationships, which I don't believe have been fully healed, even now. Despite having done a lot of work on myself over the past 3 years, and becoming a much stronger person, I still, like most people, have a lot of self-doubt and insecurities to contend with.

I know a lot of people will relate when I say that, having a relationship when you were younger, was more about feeling like you could fit in as opposed to actually finding the one. If you had a boyfriend, it meant something, and if you didn't have one, then basically something was 'wrong' with you.

Of course, there is never anything wrong with you if you are single, so don't let that bollocks cloud your mind for more than a split second.

My insecurities could eat me alive

Having been cheated on in the past, on more than one occasion, I have built this story that I was the reason why they did it. There was something missing inside of me and the relationship which is why they went elsewhere. It's a horrible story to have on repeat and it's most definitely not a true story either.

A lot of the personal development work I have done on myself has been around how I view the person I am and the lack of love I show her. We've all heard the phrase "would you talk to your best friend, in the same way you talk to yourself", and we all know our answer would be no. Yet, most of us continue to judge and criticise every little flaw we have.

A tear never hurt no-one

As I write this post, I am sat crying because talking about my insecurities is a very emotional thing for me. It's when I am at my most vulnerable as I face up to the negative feelings, I have around who I am. There is one big difference though, from the person I was 3 years ago, despite having the same insecurities.

Today, I know where these feelings have come from and the only way to manage them.

The tough few months in my relationship were definitely the match that re-ignited the feelings I am having. Spending months feeling like your partner doesn't want to be around you and that's because of who you are, is a horrible way to feel. I was questioning everything and from that my brain began to pull out all memories which had long since been archived.

That's what happens! We ask our brain a question and it gives us the answers. So, if you are only ever asking for evidence on why you can't do something, you will only ever see evidence to back that up. That's the key point right there, instead of asking what's going on with my partner, I was asking, what's wrong with me?

Awareness is key!

Being able to recognise that all these feelings and doubts I have been coming from within myself, was a huge moment in my journey. You might be reading this and thinking my boyfriend sounds like an ass and I feel this way because of him. However, going back to the match analogy, if I did not have logs (insecurities) there to be lit, then his match would have done nothing but burn out.

I latched on to the situation and made it about me and the belief that I was the problem, I was the thing that was lacking and therefore it was my fault the relationship was going off the tracks. I cannot put the blame on his lap for how I am now feeling, because I need to address why I feel this way. Why do I feel I am the problem and the reason to blame for someone else's actions?

Here's what I need to do

1. Spend some time writing down all the feelings / insecurities that are coming up and why

2. I need to forgive myself for feeling this way

3. Next, I will write down all the reasons why the stories I am telling myself are false

4. I will start to incorporate more self-love into my daily routine (EFTs, positive self-talk, gratitude and more time to do things that make me feel good)

I am always going to write a follow-on blog to this next week around comparison as I have noticed that coming up again in my life. If you have made it this far, then thank you for allowing me some of your time to be vulnerable and sharing my story with you.

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