It's Just Like an Exam
Not sure about you, but I NEVER enjoyed taking exams in school.
There were some I preferred of course, but I wouldn't ever say it was an enjoyment. Whether it was a boring subject, a question I didn't know how to answer or the hand cramp that got me, it was a time of year I dreaded.
But funnily enough, that part of my journey is something I have been reflecting on recently.
I have been with my current partner for three and a half years and it has been amazing, until it wasn't. I started to notice that we didn't feel like 'US' anymore and that I was no longer happy with how our relationship was going. That resulted in us both putting up our defensive walls, backing off and feeling so distant. Actions which only ended up resulting in our relationship feeling that much worse!
In that moment, I knew something had to change:
Either we called it a day and accepted that our relationship had been all it could be and move on.
Openly acknowledge how we both felt, individually, and alone and decide whether we could then make it work.
Even with option two, we had to consider whether making it work was the right thing to do, or whether it was fear and emotion driving that decision.
I am happy to say that we both let down our defences and showed the vulnerability we needed to in order to get our relationship back and heading in the direction we both wanted.
That is when I began reflecting on exams.
You might be confused by the connection there but let me explain some more:
I have done a lot of self-reflection and personal development throughout my relationship which has changed me for the better. I am a stronger, more positive, loving, caring and happy version of myself. The me from four / five years ago would not recognise the person I am today, and I am so grateful.
But despite all the work, you only really get tested when things go wrong.
In past relationships, I have begged toxic and abusive partners to stay in my life because I believed that I needed them. Why did I believe this? I had no self-worth, no love for myself and really, no respect either. I thought I deserved what I had and that I had something to prove. Making a relationship work, regardless of how toxic it is or all the red flags waving, in my head, meant I was worthy and loved.
It did the opposite! I only came to hate myself more.
Cut to today, and I was back in a situation where my relationship could be at an end, and I could do one of two things. Forget everything I had built for myself and beg for someone to be my partner or look at how far I have come in my growth and make the right decision for me, even if that did mean walking away from someone I loved and cared about.
Listening to logic when your emotion is so high, is one of the toughest challenges I have had to face.
That's what an exam is all about though, you learn everything and then in that moment you have to forget everything else and simply answer the question in front of you. Nothing else matters, but answering the question based on the lessons you have learnt throughout the year.
Remember that working on yourself isn't just about finding more of the good. It's also about setting you up for when the tough times come along too.
Thank you for reading,
Now,
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