Jul 26, 20223 min read

You Don't Get What You Deserve. FACT!

"Life is the messy bit." ~ Letters to Juliet

There really is nothing that prepares you for the life of an adult and the things you have to face.

How could anyone prepare you for the best days and the worst days?

No-one talks about the actual challenges of life and ways to handle them if they happen to you.

We are just expected to figure it out on our own. After all, we're fed this story of how it 'should go' if you do the right things.

But when has that ever truly worked out

Let's talk relationships

Who really prepares you for having a relationship? For falling in love and wanting to have someone in your life forever? No-one, because no-one was ever prepared for that.

We see relationships around us all the time and from a young age we learn what that means.

For some, it means security, others it means control, for some it's love and so on.

It starts with our parents, we see what love looks like to them and we learn that that's what love is. Then comes school and friendships, the TV, movies and series. They all show versions of what love and relationships can be.

What they don't show!

You never see:

How to know if someone is the right person for you
How to spot red flags
How to set boundaries
How to walk away
How to make it work

All of that is missed in the manifesto of life.

Maybe like me, you have had some tough relationships in your life, whether romantic or friendly. I have found it challenging to set boundaries around what is and isn't ok in both areas.

I've been hurt, I've been laughed at, I've been loved, I've been treated unfairly.

I also chose to put up with it all! Fact!

I didn't get what I deserved, I got what I accepted and what I was available for

It's hard to accept responsibility in a situation when I was hurt by the actions of other people. I'm not saying it was my fault they acted that way because it isn't.

However, the choice to stick around was.

I didn't understand the feelings I was having or the trauma bonds I was creating with these people in my life.

I had a lot of shame around who I was as a person and I sought the comfort and approval from others. Which led me straight into the path of narcissists.

They had control and I sought their approval. If they did something wrong, I saw it as a sign that I was failing. It sucked! I thrived on the drama and I thought this was just a version of love and that I just needed to try harder. Trying harder did not work, not when I was trying harder for the wrong person.

Walking away for me!

I won't sit and pretend like walking away was easy, or that I just woke up one day and decided. It took me a long time to 'see the light'. I didn't walk away because other people told me too, if anything, their opinions kept me their longer.

However, getting away from every toxic relationship was the best decision I made and everyone of them taught me something about myself.

When I finally opened up to see the lessons, I saw the areas in my life I needed to focus on in order to finally get the life I deserved. Which meant starting with changing the type of relationship I was willing to accept.

What do you need to change?

You might not be ready to hear this and that's ok, but if you are I want you to know that it's ok to want more. It's ok to walk away and it's ok to forgive yourself.

Relationships take work, even when you find someone worth loving, but it becomes easier when you know how to love yourself.

I learnt to love myself when I met my current partner and saw him do it all first. He set the boundaries for his self-care, he said no, he called me out on toxic behaviours and from there I started to grow.