The #1 Tip for Overcoming Jealousy and Loving Yourself More

I didn't like what Google had to say, so here's my definition of jealousy from my own personal experience:

"An overwhelming feeling of anger and pain caused from a feeling of lack from within"

I never dreamed that I would be a jealous person in my life, I saw it as an irrelevant feeling because if someone truly made you feel that way, then you would just leave. Oh how wrong I was. Now, I'm not going to talk about jealousy in the sense of envy in wanting a toy that another child had because for me, jealousy became a real monster of an emotion when I met my first boyfriend.

A little backstory: I'm 19 years old, just starting a new college course in Animal Care and Management, taking place at a zoo. I would spend 4 days a week at the zoo's classroom learning all about the animals and the care they need. It was here that I met my first boyfriend, a man 17 years older than me (you read that right). Naïve, I'm so confident (not!) me was instantly attracted to this person and was overjoyed when I realised it was reciprocated. Sadly, what I couldn't have know was how toxic and hurtful this person would be towards me. I spent the next 4 years in an mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with this man, constantly blaming and questioning myself for all the things I felt I was doing wrong.

The story does have a happy ending though, when at the age of 24 I finally left and spent the next 2 years travelling japan, Australia and New Zealand. However, one thing I took from that relationship in which I struggled to overcome or move past was the jealousy that consumed me. In the 4 years I was in that relationship, I was cheated on a number of times. Every time I had suspicion but I was told "it was all in my head", even when the truth come out I was told "it's your fault it happened". I spent years questioning and analysing my actions and my words.

- Why did I still feel crazy even though I was right?

- Maybe it was my fault? If it was, what did I do to make it happen?

These feeling ate me up inside for years and I saw it most when a male 'companion' came into my life over the next few years. Even when I was having casual fun with a guy, I would still feel this need to make them want only me and if I couldn't, it meant there was something wrong with me. Cut to when I met my second boyfriend, who did in fact cheat on me as well, and I was unrecognisable as a person. I felt like I was losing my mind, "why was he flirting with every girl?", why doesn't he just want to talk to me? I actually got to moments where I could not sleep at night if he was out drinking because I had no idea what he was up to.

Being cheated on in that relationship only fuelled the fire that I was to blame and the result of that was jealousy. Then came boyfriend number 3 and my current partner, a man worthy of my time and attention. Someone I love dearly and respect and yet that didn't stop my jealousy showing up in the beginning 12 months. I fixated on any girl he had dated or slept with before me, any girl who liked his post, I questioned him after nights out and I just felt crazy once more.

I finally realised that my jealousy would eventually drive him away, even if he was a nice man. Starting personal development back in 2020 was the life changing journey and where I realised what the #1 tip was for overcoming jealousy. You ready for it???

Other people weren't the cause of my jealousy, I was!

That's right, I said it, the jealousy you feel does not come from the action of others, it stems from a feeling of lack you hold within yourself.

Now that's not to say it can't be triggered or amplified by the actions of other people but it truly is a feeling within ourselves.

Why did I think my partner would cheat? Because deep down I didn't believe that I was enough to stop him. I wasn't pretty enough, social enough, fun enough, I wasn't sexy enough. My boobs are smaller, my hair is messier, I don't wear a lot of makeup, I don't have a lot of fancy clothes. All of these beliefs I was holding, told me that I would be the reason he cheated and so when a girl came near I was triggered. If you ask me to point out all the things I loved about another girl, I could named many things, but ask me to name what I loved about myself and I'd of barely found one.

So if a girl came to talk to my boyfriend or stand nearby my jealousy would kick in because I would believe that he would want her more than me and there was nothing I could do about it. Some times I can still slip back into that mindset and the jealousy will be simmering right underneath but here's how I started to move past that feeling and into a more empowered state.

1. Firstly, I accepted that I was feeling this way because of me and no-one else. I took ownership of my life and that alone was empowering.

2. I forgave myself for feeling this way and forgave myself for ever having felt this way. Beating yourself up will only serve to bring you down more.

3. Then I wrote a list of all the things I believed were 'wrong' with me. I listed all the parts I wanted to change (body, hair, clothes, job, money etc)

4. Next, I wrote down 1 thing I could do to make myself feel better about all the things I wanted to change (body, I could eat healthier or exercise more)

5. I then started to re-write my story, by listing all the things I did like about myself. If you truly only find 1 then start with 1.

6. I started to focus on myself, and starting taking action towards changing what I could. An example being: I never felt like I was sexy, so I ask myself "what would make me feel sexy?" I had two answers, first was feeling stronger and seeing more tone and definition in my body and the second was owning pretty lingerie. So, I signed up for a gym and I went shopping and purchased a couple of new items of underwear.

Those first two steps were small in comparison, but they were the first steps on the way to releasing my jealousy and learning to love myself more. Now, not only am I aware of the situations that trigger my jealousy more, I am also more prepared to handle it in calm way when the feeling does arise. I don't jump straight to being mad at my partner and ignoring him, I now talk to him about it and work to find the humour to move past it.

My jealousy now serves as a reminder to me of how far I have come in my life and the challenges and pain I have overcome. It also works to show me of the areas in my life where I need to focus on myself more. In other words, my jealousy is actually HELPING me, words I never thought I'd say.

So, if right now you are struggling with jealousy or you are working to overcome it. I want you to follow my steps above and take back ownership of your own life. If you want to ask more questions, leave me a comment on this post or head on over to my Instagram Paige | Mindset Coach (@_turnanewpaige_) • Instagram photos and videos and send me a DM.

Now,

Turnanewpage x