I think I'm over it!

I was very excited to write this week's blog because it is all around a 'statement' I heard on a TV show recently and it really hit me. I just had to share it with you in case you are in a place in your life where you are living with regret or anger about your past. I wish someone had told me because I lived with both for years and it stopped me from healing and loving myself for far too long.

The TV show I was watching was called Open House - The Great Sex Experiment. It was all around couples in the UK who wanted to explore open relationships. The would spend a couple days in a house with a couple (the show hosts) who are in fact part of an open relationship themselves. During their stay, they would attend 'socials' where they could mix with sexually liberated individuals. The key part of the show for me and where I heard this key statement was when the couples met with a psychologist. She would sit and have a discussion with them around a few key areas:

1. Why are they attending the open house?

2. Why do they want to open up their relationship?

3. Is it more one-sided?

4. What do they want to try? (Threesomes, group sex etc)

Getting back to the point! One couple arrived at the house wanting to explore group sex and it became clear early on that both of them had had affairs throughout their marriage. The woman's had been very early on and the man's was years later. You could tell from their talk with the psychologist that his affair was an act of revenge and that he had not truly moved on from the hurt of his wife's affair. The key moment came now, the psychologist said to the husband: "You know when you are truly over something, when you no longer wish it didn't happen"

*MIND BLOWN*

Now you may read that and think, stating the bloody obvious! However I really took what she said in because it made me reflect on the tough times that had happened in my life and the way I looked at them now. In relation to the couple, I have also been in relationships where I was cheated on by my partner. it knocked me for six and I felt out of control for so many years (around 10 to be exact). I actually promised myself, once those relationships ended that I would NEVER forgive them for what they did because cheating in my eyes is never ok! Plus, they didn't deserve my forgiveness or my understanding. The sad reality is that for all those years I spent not forgiving them, I never allowed myself forgiveness either.

I don't know about you but I was always raised to believe that forgiveness was all about letting the person who has done you wrong off the hook. No-one ever explained to me that forgiveness was ACTUALLY about being kind to myself. I never showed myself some love for staying in the relationship even after the cheating, forgiving myself for being upset. Truth be told, I blamed myself for years for the behaviour of others. Particularly men I had relationships with. It was my fault they cheated, I was the reason they weren't happy and I wasn't able to handle the truth. I was in pain and angry for so many years and it lead to a pattern of behaviour, a lot I am not proud of, and a repetition of toxic men coming into my life.

My current boyfriend I have been with for over 3 years now and he has seen the biggest change in me. He was big driver of motivation in the beginning because I knew I had someone amazing in front of me and yet I was still having all the same doubts and fears I had had before. I was keeping a wall between us and finding it hard to truly let myself feel happy without this constant need to question it. I had to learn 3 keys things about myself:

1. My jealousy had nothing to do with past relationships but everything to do with how I looked at myself

2. I can either be angry about my past or happy about my future but not both

3. I had to forgive myself and learn to see the lessons in the pain

So how does this fit in with what the psychologist said?

I can sit here now and say that I am truly grateful for the pain I have been through because I would not be where I am now without it. That doesn't mean I don't remember how much it hurt but when I truly allowed myself to reflect on what happened I saw all the wounds I had within myself. That in itself allowed me to start taking action on healing the most important relationship I have in this world. The one with MYSELF!!! I still stand by my earlier statement that cheating is never ok, but the men who cheated were never the right person for me and I would have remained blind for even longer than necessary had they not of done what they did. I wasn't the best version of myself and for that, they were losing out too. So hearing that statement: ""You know when you are truly over something, when you no longer wish it didn't happen" hit me because at this point in my life I can truly say I am over it.

Now,

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